Fueling the fire

Throughout my life, I have struggled with my mental health, in particular my anxiety disorder. I was in my early teen years when I found out that this voice that I believe to be my “common sense” talking was actually my anxiety. Growing up, I was always regarded as that girl who was the teacher’s favourite, the nervous one who was always sensible and mature, the one who got her validation from others, to compensate for the comments and thousands of thoughts that ran through her head everyday. I thought this was “normal”, however as I’ve grown up, I have started to realised that as my mother says, “Normal is only a setting on the washing machine, and that there is no normal when talking about people.” Ultimately, these reactions of other to my behaviour, I would receive, would be fueling the fire that was my anxiety and depression. I’ve always been a pretty private person, it is only as I start to open up to people that, I’ve realise that, behavioural, I am more mature than most people my age; but emotionally and mentally, my growth has been stunted, due to the fact that I have always ‘had’ to look after other, thus I have developed this savior complex, that everyone, around me, needs saving and that I must be the crutch on which they stand on to support myself, this always ends in me feeling burnout always trying to look after people who should see a therapist not a ‘ therapy’ friend. This quality of always being there to swoop in to help anyone, whether it be teachers throughout my schooling life, friends that are struggling, or even strangers online that need someone just to talk to or reach out to.

As, I’ve grown older, I realise that this comes out of my own experience of not always having the help that I need or not knowing how to reach out to others and cry out for help, like many people who suffer from mental health problems, I always figured that I would only be a burden upon my family, friends, and general society; so, I used to and still do to some respect, suffer in silence. Instead of focusing on others, I really should have been focused on myself, and that me having to save others was really because I, myself needed saving rom these constant intrusive thoughts and nasty comments that swirled around in my head. My need to help other came out of a complete self-loathing of myself. As, I’ve gotten older, I have began to accept that not everyone can be saved and that it isn’t my job to save them, nor is it my fault if something bad does happen to them; and, that I need to focus on myself and check in with myself, as to what I can do in certain situations, and that sometimes, I need time to myself to recharge and get myself in the right mindset.